TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another put where American Males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight Trump Tower Damascus it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by company may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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